I was heading back to God’s character today and specifically, my favorite characteristic of God—He is Enough. I had some things that were bombarding my brain so I opened my ‘God is Enough’ document which I’ve worked on before. (I never finish these things—they’re always in progress, which is helpful since I must continually revisit them.) I had already meditated thru the first 2 phrases on some previous date so I started wrapping my mind around the phrase ‘Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel’ and then I started thinking thru the purposefulness of the next phrase ‘and afterward receive me to glory’ and I was overcome by some memories and the reality of the truth of God in His Word absolutely overwhelmed me thru the testimony of my grandpa. He lived out these truths every day of his life and even indirectly quoted these words as he approached his reception to glory. I will never forget that moment in the hospital.

Psalm 73:23-24

Nevertheless I am continually with thee:

            Me. I’m always with God. Continually. Continuously. Constantly. It doesn’t end. I can do naught but be with God.

His omnipresence means not only that He is always with me but also that I am always with Him. It’s a sweet twist.

thou hast holden me by my right hand.

                God holds my hand. Yeah, I should hold His hand but He definitely holds mine which is frankly, more reassuring because He is God and He doesn’t let go.

                Never gonna let go…and Your love for me is still the same, never gonna lose heeeart, ‘cause I’m holding on tight to You.

Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel,

            Shalt=Promise. God will guide me. And how shall He guide me? With His own counsel. That is, with His Knowledge, Wisdom, Omniscience, Forethought. This also factors in that He always does the best for me and displays His Love, Care, Guidance, Working-All-For-My-Good, and His Faithfulness. His Counsel encompasses so much of Who He Is and His promises: He will always be with me on every path, He will hold my hand, He will never leave me, He will not give me more than I can handle, He will help me handle every situation.

                So ultimately, His Great Wisdom in knowing what is best for me will guide me.

and afterward receive me to glory.

            The guidance has a purpose—He is guiding me somewhere and that finally is Glory. I need not fret the present when I know the future and God reveals that here in His Word. I’m headed to glory and God’s guiding hand will lead me every step of that path, even when it gets hard, even when I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death.

               

I remember when Grandpa was dying of cancer, we were all sitting around his hospital rooom and he was sitting on his hospital bed and he said in that oh-so-grandpa way, ‘Well, here we are—on the road to glory.’ We all teared up because we knew it wouldn’t be long. Grandpa even got emotional which was something I’d rarely seen. Yet he was so confident in the Lord. God guided Grandpa throughout his whole life and Grandpa followed closely, His hand in God’s hand—and then God received Grandpa to glory.

I'm debating creating accountability for writing by making this blog available through Facebook. I'm scared of writing accountability. I prefer a no-pressure, no-one-has-to-be-reminded-that-you-aren't-writing, I-only-write-when-I-feel-like-it, hardly-ever-post, private blog. My goal is not to get my name out there. I do not strive to be a great writer. Snap, I do not strive to be a writer. I like to write occasionally because I enjoy putting my thoughts, feelings, ideas on paper (screens) and because writing helps me to think logically. When I write, I frequently talk myself out of the excessive emotion that I am feeling and deal straight forwardly with truth, whether good or bad. When I'm sinfully frustrated, writing brings me back to the truth that I am a jerk and I need to change and with God's help, can change. When I'm passionately in love with love, writing reminds me of the beautiful reality of my life as it is. Writing helps me to stay content, to love my neighbor, to trust God, to be productive. Writing helps me maintain the priority of logical thought over the feeling of the moment. Well, not maintain, as I have already established that I do not write consistently, but rather return to every now and again. I blame my culture and my sin nature that I am so prone to using feeling as a trump card over reason and discipline. This is exquisitely illustrated by my inconsistent writing habits. Rarely do I feel like writing at a time when I can actually sit down and write. But I would profit by writing consistently and so as a discipline, I need to write. These musings are fine but we will see if practice proves me a disciplined, purposeful writer or a writer who is bound only to the whim of each moment, and therefore, a writer with nothing really to say.

can't leave my first love

I am beginning a blog post at 2:37a.m.
Why?
Because I can't sleep.
Why?
Heartburn.
Why?
Camp Washington Chili.

So Adam and Jenn carpooled to Indiana for Thanksgiving break last night and I met them for dinner. They were picking up I-74 just north of the city so I looked for a Skyline Chili at which to meet them but the closest one was inconvenient at best (as far as I could tell). And Camp Washington Chili was off Hopple, the exit immediately below the I-74 exit. How convenient!

I've heard of Camp Washington Chili. In fact, it was on my mental (however subconscious) Cincinnati bucket list. There's only one Camp Washington Chili (as opposed to over 130 Skyline Chilis) and it's somewhat of a Cincinnati icon.

Well I put the directions from Google Maps in my non-smartphone and eventually found my way there from Hyde Park via Madison/MLK. I stopped at the BP next door to pick up some Razzleberry Peace Tea (sweet nectar from heaven) for Adam and then enjoyed over an hour of fellowship with my camp buds.

In order to fairly compare Camp Washington to my Cinci chili standard (Skyline), I ordered the classic 3-way and cheese fries.

Here are the facts:
The portion was large, and the cheese was piled beautifully high.
The chili felt and tasted meaty in my mouth.
The spaghetti was thick and at least a little bit mushy.
The fries were thick (like Wendy's fries) and the cheese was amazingly greasy.
The oyster crackers came in a prepackaged little bag and were flat and not very salty.

Now on to preference:
I like the smoothness of Skyline Chili better.
I prefer firmer noodles. Camp Washington's felt to me as if they were overcooked.
I'm a skinny fry person--it's just my preference.
I like the little bowls of salty, rounded crackers at Skyline.
As regards portions, I still ate too much, unable to stop when I reached full (just one reason that I don't get chili weekly).   :)
Aaaaaaand it's 7 minutes til 3a.m. and I'm awake with uncharacteristic heartburn.

In conclusion, I like Skyline Chili better.
I understand that these are preference matters and I also understand one's first Cincinnati chili experience is very possibly where one's loyalties lie. (Please also note that this is an assessment of the 3-way chili, not any other menu item)

Now hopefully I can sleep some more before I have to work at 6:45a.m.

And sometime soon I've gotta go try a Goldstar and a BAC 3-way...

no pride, no shame, just trust

I am a college graduate. I had some pride in that accomplishment. I worked my tail off to pay my part of my education and still remember, very clearly, the stress that accompanied that work ethic. I worked 4 jobs the summer after my freshman year and wished I had understood the swift-heading-of-the-dollars-toward-the-drain that would ensue upon my first day on campus. I had no clue. Then, I did that which I had avowed never to do—I sat out a semester at home and worked my tail off again. In doing so, I opened the door to a teeny amount of financial looseness (I wouldn’t call it freedom) that enabled me to work at a camp for teenagers the summer following my junior year. How could I have known that is was there, receiving a biweekly paycheck of less than $200, that I would find my calling in life? How could I have known that the thing I love most doesn’t require a degree in any fashion?

Yet without the physical move to South Carolina that my life took my freshman year of college, I would not really have been in a place to apply for that camp. And I wouldn’t have worked at another camp. And if I hadn’t worked at camp I wouldn’t have known my crazy passion for teenagers.

And so my degree was merely a means of getting me to the place I needed to be. It doesn’t matter what the degree is in; it could be accounting, teaching, business, home ec, or history. It’s a moot point. The point is that I was physically in the stepping-stone-place to the place that showed me my true passion.

But my degree is in creative writing. And I’m looking for a job. Not a writing job. An office job. A nanny job. A waitress job. Possibly even against a warehouse job. I’ve done them all before. Not a single one requires ‘further education’. Not one of those employers needs to see that $50,000 piece of paper that I haven’t touched since the day I got it (over 4 years ago!). Not one of those jobs gives two hoots about my GPA or extracurricular activities. Not a one.

Sometimes I struggle with feeling inferior to who-knows-who/what because I’m not using my degree. Because I’m looking for a job that, technically, a highschool graduate could get. Because I tend toward blue collar work that pays hourly and doesn’t really have benefits. (Oh yeah…I should probably locate some benefits.) But anytime I review the last 8 years of my life, I reach the beautiful, consistent, joyful truth that God directed every single step of my living process. He didn't make one mistake and He used and is using every choice that I made along the way, good and bad, all for His greater good. (I mean, that's part of why I serve this God!) 

I think I could change Proverbs 3:5-6 ever so slightly to say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him; and check out what He did?!-He directed your path! And He ain't stopping now!"  

I just love God and the way He works. I kinda love having no clue about what He is doing. Because knowing that He's totally got this lends itself to peace and adventure. The adventure of my life continues!   

I still don't have a job...and this post is full of loose ends about my passion...more on that later...    

what if?

On Sunday morning, Pastor preached an incredible sermon from Psalm 13, taking a negative approach to thankfulness. He approached our blessings from the opposite point of view, not just “I’m thankful that God loves me” but “What if God forgot me?” 

What if God did forget me? What if I went for days, weeks, years looking for Him to no avail? False fear creeps up through my torso and grabs me by the throat when I think on that possibility for even a few seconds. I linger there momentarily because of the emotional gratefulness that follows as I turn my brain to Truth—God has not forgotten me! In fact, He’s more accessible to me than He was to King David! He not only has not forgotten but He cares intimately about every detail of me.

And what if I had sorrow everyday? What if I was running for my life? What if my ten children died in one day? What if Kameron got hit by a car? What if Megan died today, Kir tomorrow, Chels the next day, and Heather the next day? What if the coming persecution was already here (and I had to stay for it)? What if my sin was not atoned for and I lived with the guilt? What if I wanted to make amends with God and couldn’t? What if He hadn't made amends for me? Hesitate on some of these scenarios. Worry is unnecessary but thinking of the opposites increases the value of my present situation!! I have had sorrow but never every day. Never without ceasing.

What if God did not hear me? Have you ever tried to communicate with someone who didn’t hear you? There are many reasons why someone can’t hear, some worse than others. He is deaf. He is sleeping. He is dead. He is ignoring you. He is angry with you. He is on vacation. What if God didn’t hear me?! What if even one of these reasons was true of Him? What sorrow?! What tragedy?! What hopelessness!?!

Yet He hears.

What if Jesus hadn’t come to earth? What if He had sinned just once on this puny earth? What if He had given into the temptation to appeal to His Father to send twelve legions of angels to His rescue in the Garden? What if He had come off the cross instead of holding Himself there? What if death had triumphed and He hadn’t risen?!

I would not be waiting to die and go to hell—I’d be IN HELL NOW. 

These "What Ifs" are utterly invalid.

What if I didn’t have my family? What if I had never worked at the Wilds? What if things at church had remained as they were? What if God hadn’t provided my incredible friends? What if I had refused God when He called to me? What if I chose to live in sin? What if I didn’t have a job? What if God didn’t care? What if...?

I think the "What Ifs" are healthy in this case.

My eyes fill with salty liquid when I reflect on the Truth of Who God Is and what He has provided. 

what i'm doing now...all the boring details

People constantly ask me what I’m doing these days and I struggle with how to answer them. I’m living my life. It’s not exactly what I think I would choose but it is where I am and I am successfully endeavoring to enjoy every moment.

And I am very grateful for where I am (contentment) and for what I am doing (purpose).

However, I am sarcastic and occassionally have a creative moment so depending on who you are and how well you know me, I may answer the “So what are you doing now, Kate?” question with a variety of answers--

Confident: I am currently learning every aspect of the personalization department of Cornerstone Consolidated Services Group Inc. We personalize the finest home furnishings and decorations for five companies and our volume increases dramatically during the holiday season. Thus far, I have learned four of the six steps involved and am excelling in each area.

Insecure: Um, I’m learning to embroider stuff for a catalog company.

Bum: Dude, I have a college degree but I’m working at a warehouse.

Funny: I put monograms on dog pillows. The best monogram I’ve seen so far is “Wigglebutt” but I’ve heard tales of much better, er, worse. :D

Comfy: I get to wear jeans and a t-shirt to work and I get off at 3:30 every day!

Motivated: I’m getting forty hours a week working in the personalization department for a catalog company where soon I’ll be getting at least 20 hours of overtime along with a bonus every week for speed, accuracy, and excellence.

Comparison: I got my first pay check for only 32 hours and I about flipped out because I haven’t had that much money for that little work in a long time! That’s not a bad thing (from before) but whoa holy cow it’s amazing!!

Anticipatory: I’m working at a warehouse. But I like it and no, I’m not using my Bachelor of Arts degree in Creative Writing and yes, I’m living at home but I am paying a little rent.

Spiritual: Well, the Lord has led me home again and has provided a job with overtime hours and I’m also getting involved in my church youth group. I’m very thankful. Also, I’m praying for boldness to seize witnessing opportunities and to really make a difference out in the world.

Depressed: I’m making less then $10/hour and I get up at 5:30 in the morning to go work in a warehouse with a bunch of people who never went to college. Also, I have to stand on my feet ALL day.

Check it out!!: So I’m learning how to use an industrial embroidery machine and I’m always racing myself with the assembly line stuff (the faster I go, the more money I make for real). Our department has one corner on the second level of this HUGE warehouse and the bins come up the conveyor belt, we sort the stuff into totes, use the computer program to make the discs with the monograms on it, embroider the stuff, trim it and clean it up, bag it, box it, and send it back down! I really like learning the whole process!

Moody: Nothing really.

Young Person/Tightwad perspective: We monogram all kinds of stuff for people who spend way too much money on bedding and pets. I mean, why in the world would you wanna monogram your sheets?! Also, I’ve handled at least a thousand dog bone pillows with all kinds of ridiculous names—I will never understand people and their pets! The stockings we do are cute but they’re $50!!!! And they’re made of felt!! Sheesh, I’ll make you a felt stocking and you can give me $10. And the Santa Bags?! They’re these huge velvety bags that you can put presents in but they’re over-the-top ornate and they’re like, $80!!! Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

That’s all I can think of right now. 

If you’re curious:

http://www.frontgate.com/mercadoSearch.do?action=search&newSearch=true&freeText=dog+bone+pillow&Search.x=47&Search.y=9

http://www.garnethill.com/hable-christmas-stockings/bedding-home/holiday-decor/stockings/169424

musings

so much running through my mind today.
once again debating the purpose of life when i'm at home doing non-exciting, unexpected things.
and by unexpected i mean i'm not doing the things that people expect a 25-year-old woman to be doing.
i feel like i'm doing nothing.
and in essence, i am.

what is life without dreams. dreams cease to be dreams when they transform into reality.
dreams of mine that have become reality:
camp. all of it.
crazy travels.
close to God.

dreams anticipated:
marriage.
long-term ministry.
apartment.
kids.
my own place with my own family.
closer to God.

but i'm faced with the truth that God is faithful; He never changes. i find comfort in this today. there is purpose in the walk even when it is slow and i stagger under the weight of unrealized dreams, unwanted sin, faithless thoughts, the voice of discouragement.
there is purpose in the arms that surround me even when i kick to be free of them.
there is no other God.
i'm often a child of Israel, running after my little idols. my classic idols are people--friends. i'm a sucker for relationships. i work hard to maintain friendships. and it's worth it. but it's not everything. people let me down. people cannot always be there. it's okay, it's just life. but God is always there. always here. why worship anything else?

i can't tell if camp is an idol. God is so tightly woven into the fabric of what camp is that i don't think the two can really be separated. i take comfort in knowing that at least 3 months of my life are very purposeful and fruitful.  but i can't base purpose on results. and i can't base results on what i see. i have faith that God's Word never returns void. i think that camp becomes an idol when i let the longing for it cripple me during the winter months.

these are the musings of my heart and mind today.