so like, every day, i get more excited about camp. because everyday at least one thing happens to make me wanna leave. oh, i'm still sad about leaving the Barrel and the girls there and the little kids (whom i love so dearly) but i'm not gonna miss church (except the little kids like the starks and the bowlings) and i'm not gonna miss express and i'm not gonna miss the boys always being on the x-box and i won't miss fighting all these feelings about my family all the time. i will be able to just miss them for who they are and not have to deal with all the nit-picky little junk that surfaces in the day to day relationships here at home. (maybe for the first time ever i'm not talking about mom and dad.)

and that one situation is back. it got home on saturday night but didn't surface until late last nigh/this morning. ggrrrr. i can't figure it out, i'm partially responsible for the whole mess and i wish i could define what's going on in my head and my bowels. sick feeling returned this morning and i can't shake. i think it's right but i feel like i'm wrong. and i don't know why. that's really frustrating. i mean really.

and i realized that i can't be specific with anything because although no one knows about this blog right now, it's not hard to find and while i may secretly want people to discover it and know who i really am, i don't want to deal with situations that could arise from specificity. ggrrr.

new subject:
i only need one friend. i have a plethora of valued friends but i need to remember that i only need one. and i need to only "have to have" that one. He's more than any friend could ever be. when i want someone to just know how i feel and comfort me without me having to say anything, He can (if i let Him). and when i yearn for just one friend to care about more than the others, i have One! okay, so it's hard because my nerves can't feel Him holding me but that's not a sufficient excuse.

and speaking of that one friend, He's been doing some work on my heart through 'the irresistible revolution" by shane claiborne. like, why do i have so much stuff? how on earth do i follow Christ like He really wants me too? i want to but i don't know how! and that's not a good enough excuse either. how do i live in such comfort when others are starving to death on a bed of dirt half a world away. yeah, it's extreme stuff but i'm willing to do anything as long as it is really what God wants. like, when i read the book, it sounds like the hippie thing from the sixties but it's so grounded in the truth of God's Word that it makes sense. Jesus was homeless. do i need to be homeless? if i have lots of money am i just not trusting God enough to give it away to help others? these are the things that i think about as i drift off to sleep underneath my soft sheets, comforter, and quilt in my queen sized bed in my large, six-bedroom house, with the heat running and the bookshelf and closet full of books and clothes, and my desk full of stuff like my laptop and digital camera. what in the world am i giving to the poor?

somebody tell me what to do and i'll do it!