what if?

On Sunday morning, Pastor preached an incredible sermon from Psalm 13, taking a negative approach to thankfulness. He approached our blessings from the opposite point of view, not just “I’m thankful that God loves me” but “What if God forgot me?” 

What if God did forget me? What if I went for days, weeks, years looking for Him to no avail? False fear creeps up through my torso and grabs me by the throat when I think on that possibility for even a few seconds. I linger there momentarily because of the emotional gratefulness that follows as I turn my brain to Truth—God has not forgotten me! In fact, He’s more accessible to me than He was to King David! He not only has not forgotten but He cares intimately about every detail of me.

And what if I had sorrow everyday? What if I was running for my life? What if my ten children died in one day? What if Kameron got hit by a car? What if Megan died today, Kir tomorrow, Chels the next day, and Heather the next day? What if the coming persecution was already here (and I had to stay for it)? What if my sin was not atoned for and I lived with the guilt? What if I wanted to make amends with God and couldn’t? What if He hadn't made amends for me? Hesitate on some of these scenarios. Worry is unnecessary but thinking of the opposites increases the value of my present situation!! I have had sorrow but never every day. Never without ceasing.

What if God did not hear me? Have you ever tried to communicate with someone who didn’t hear you? There are many reasons why someone can’t hear, some worse than others. He is deaf. He is sleeping. He is dead. He is ignoring you. He is angry with you. He is on vacation. What if God didn’t hear me?! What if even one of these reasons was true of Him? What sorrow?! What tragedy?! What hopelessness!?!

Yet He hears.

What if Jesus hadn’t come to earth? What if He had sinned just once on this puny earth? What if He had given into the temptation to appeal to His Father to send twelve legions of angels to His rescue in the Garden? What if He had come off the cross instead of holding Himself there? What if death had triumphed and He hadn’t risen?!

I would not be waiting to die and go to hell—I’d be IN HELL NOW. 

These "What Ifs" are utterly invalid.

What if I didn’t have my family? What if I had never worked at the Wilds? What if things at church had remained as they were? What if God hadn’t provided my incredible friends? What if I had refused God when He called to me? What if I chose to live in sin? What if I didn’t have a job? What if God didn’t care? What if...?

I think the "What Ifs" are healthy in this case.

My eyes fill with salty liquid when I reflect on the Truth of Who God Is and what He has provided. 

what i'm doing now...all the boring details

People constantly ask me what I’m doing these days and I struggle with how to answer them. I’m living my life. It’s not exactly what I think I would choose but it is where I am and I am successfully endeavoring to enjoy every moment.

And I am very grateful for where I am (contentment) and for what I am doing (purpose).

However, I am sarcastic and occassionally have a creative moment so depending on who you are and how well you know me, I may answer the “So what are you doing now, Kate?” question with a variety of answers--

Confident: I am currently learning every aspect of the personalization department of Cornerstone Consolidated Services Group Inc. We personalize the finest home furnishings and decorations for five companies and our volume increases dramatically during the holiday season. Thus far, I have learned four of the six steps involved and am excelling in each area.

Insecure: Um, I’m learning to embroider stuff for a catalog company.

Bum: Dude, I have a college degree but I’m working at a warehouse.

Funny: I put monograms on dog pillows. The best monogram I’ve seen so far is “Wigglebutt” but I’ve heard tales of much better, er, worse. :D

Comfy: I get to wear jeans and a t-shirt to work and I get off at 3:30 every day!

Motivated: I’m getting forty hours a week working in the personalization department for a catalog company where soon I’ll be getting at least 20 hours of overtime along with a bonus every week for speed, accuracy, and excellence.

Comparison: I got my first pay check for only 32 hours and I about flipped out because I haven’t had that much money for that little work in a long time! That’s not a bad thing (from before) but whoa holy cow it’s amazing!!

Anticipatory: I’m working at a warehouse. But I like it and no, I’m not using my Bachelor of Arts degree in Creative Writing and yes, I’m living at home but I am paying a little rent.

Spiritual: Well, the Lord has led me home again and has provided a job with overtime hours and I’m also getting involved in my church youth group. I’m very thankful. Also, I’m praying for boldness to seize witnessing opportunities and to really make a difference out in the world.

Depressed: I’m making less then $10/hour and I get up at 5:30 in the morning to go work in a warehouse with a bunch of people who never went to college. Also, I have to stand on my feet ALL day.

Check it out!!: So I’m learning how to use an industrial embroidery machine and I’m always racing myself with the assembly line stuff (the faster I go, the more money I make for real). Our department has one corner on the second level of this HUGE warehouse and the bins come up the conveyor belt, we sort the stuff into totes, use the computer program to make the discs with the monograms on it, embroider the stuff, trim it and clean it up, bag it, box it, and send it back down! I really like learning the whole process!

Moody: Nothing really.

Young Person/Tightwad perspective: We monogram all kinds of stuff for people who spend way too much money on bedding and pets. I mean, why in the world would you wanna monogram your sheets?! Also, I’ve handled at least a thousand dog bone pillows with all kinds of ridiculous names—I will never understand people and their pets! The stockings we do are cute but they’re $50!!!! And they’re made of felt!! Sheesh, I’ll make you a felt stocking and you can give me $10. And the Santa Bags?! They’re these huge velvety bags that you can put presents in but they’re over-the-top ornate and they’re like, $80!!! Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

That’s all I can think of right now. 

If you’re curious:

http://www.frontgate.com/mercadoSearch.do?action=search&newSearch=true&freeText=dog+bone+pillow&Search.x=47&Search.y=9

http://www.garnethill.com/hable-christmas-stockings/bedding-home/holiday-decor/stockings/169424

musings

so much running through my mind today.
once again debating the purpose of life when i'm at home doing non-exciting, unexpected things.
and by unexpected i mean i'm not doing the things that people expect a 25-year-old woman to be doing.
i feel like i'm doing nothing.
and in essence, i am.

what is life without dreams. dreams cease to be dreams when they transform into reality.
dreams of mine that have become reality:
camp. all of it.
crazy travels.
close to God.

dreams anticipated:
marriage.
long-term ministry.
apartment.
kids.
my own place with my own family.
closer to God.

but i'm faced with the truth that God is faithful; He never changes. i find comfort in this today. there is purpose in the walk even when it is slow and i stagger under the weight of unrealized dreams, unwanted sin, faithless thoughts, the voice of discouragement.
there is purpose in the arms that surround me even when i kick to be free of them.
there is no other God.
i'm often a child of Israel, running after my little idols. my classic idols are people--friends. i'm a sucker for relationships. i work hard to maintain friendships. and it's worth it. but it's not everything. people let me down. people cannot always be there. it's okay, it's just life. but God is always there. always here. why worship anything else?

i can't tell if camp is an idol. God is so tightly woven into the fabric of what camp is that i don't think the two can really be separated. i take comfort in knowing that at least 3 months of my life are very purposeful and fruitful.  but i can't base purpose on results. and i can't base results on what i see. i have faith that God's Word never returns void. i think that camp becomes an idol when i let the longing for it cripple me during the winter months.

these are the musings of my heart and mind today.

rejoicing=freakin' out

don't you just love how God gives you exactly what you need from His word every time you need it? (which is every day)
today this is exceptionally clear because i've been feeling like trash
worthless
purposeless
stupid
like a bum
tired
insecure
and the like (due, not partly, to george's monthly visit, i am sure).


so i finally go to the Word (shoulda been there sooner in the day) and resume my study in Psalm 16 with verse 9. i learned yesterday (and revisited today) that rejoicing is a greek word (giyl) which means-
"to spin round (under the influence of any violent emotion)". 
this, to me, means 'freakin' out'. 
and rightfully so! 
i oughta freak out when i consider that my God preserves me and is trustworthy (vs.1). 
and i oughta spin around when i think about God being my portion-everything i need (vs. 5). 
and i oughta  experience violent emotions when i meditate on the fact that my God is always with me and therefore nothing can shake me!(vs. 8)!!!
so my feelings are once again wrong. the truth once again confronts and comforts me. 


conclusion(which i already knew): life ain't about my pity party but about God, who is All in All. it's about God being Himself, Enough, Good, Counselor, Loving, Here, Truth, Preserver, Strength. God.


when i know God, i can more easily snap outta myself.

confession

confession: i like to be with people, particularly friends whom i love, more than i like to work. more importantly at the moment, more than i like to look for a job.


how this shakes down: i'm going to south and north carolina for a week and i still do not have a job. 


i'm sure true reason, common sense and most adults would say, 'grow up, kate, and get a job.'
and yet i refuse. 
i am in denial.
and i love to travel. 
perhaps it would be better if i didn't have money saved because then i would have to go get a job. as it is, i have a comfy amount of money in the bank (barring an expensive emergency) and a flexible, understanding family that is willing to be with me as i attempt to figure out this next transition phase of my life.


other confession: i'm going back to camp next summer. i can see no reason not to when it is the job i love most, am best at, and have nothing else knocking on my door begging me to give up camp. 


now, i am not planning on bumming for 8 more months. frankly, i cannot stand the bum status, in practice or explanation. i'm tired of people asking what i'm doing and then offering their similar perspectives on what i should do (generally connected to my degree). i know that it is a human compulsion to offer said advice but hearing it constantly is tiring. more motivation. :)also, i do not refuse to get a job, i merely don't know what to do.


conclusion--motivations: hatred of bum status. boredom. worn out ears. lame advice. purposeful life. 
[get a job.]  :/

psalm 16

I dug into Psalm 16 today. I came across it yesterday as I was studying "counsel" in the Bible and realize that it was the psalm for me right now. I needed to meditate through something. Verse 1 starts out with putting my trust in God, the only One who can preserve me. I'm reminded, not for the first time, that God has everything under control. The reason that I trust Him is because He is the One that can do everything (specifically, preserve me). I was challenged in verse 4 to run to God, my God, not other gods that satisfy me momentarily but then leave raging emptiness. Not the easy gods of self, laziness, facebook, friends, family--I want none other but God. He is my God, my Lord. 

For clarification on a few words and for correct interpretation of the text, I often reference a commentary from Power Bible CD. (http://www.powerbible.com/)I highly recommend it because it's inexpensive and intensely useful.

I'm memorizing this one. I've been out of the habit of memorizing but I'm starting again. Psalm 16 is just 11 verses that are each practical and directly applicable to my life. The goal is 1 verse a day but I always try to beat that goal plus I've got plenty of time and the verses are simple. When I've meditated on them, they are alive to me and I want them constantly in my mind. 

This also fuels my desire to memorize consistently. I'll tackle something bigger after this. TBA  :)  

roadtrip: the plan is hatched

I don't know if I ever thought a road trip like that would actually ever happen. In fact, it's so surreal that I don't even remember how it came up. 

I wanted to road trip after camp because I didn't have anything to go to, no job, no apartment, nothing. Ideally, I would've hit the road with Karina but she had just graduated and had zero money so that was out. I must have mentioned the travel idea one day in the lead cabin because before I knew it, Kim, Kate and I were looking at the very real possibility of traveling across the country. We spent some of our free time mapping out our route across America and deciding where we wanted to stop and what we wanted to see. We also planned some of the logistics such as where to sleep, how to eat most efficiently, checking gas prices and budgeting. 

Kim had a tutoring job and had to be back by September 8 so we had 2 weeks and 2 days to see as much of America as we possibly could. I'll spare the planned details and just relay the trip as it unfolded. 

Also, most of the people at camp thought we were a little nuts to spend 2 more weeks together since we'd just spent the entire summer together but we didn't mind and everyone else had places they had to be. 

We decided to embark Monday, August 23, about a week after camp ended so that Kim and I could go on our family vacations. 

figuring out stuff

It is strange being at home in that, I feel as if I am on vacation, between camps, post college, after job, something other than directionless, which is what I actually am at the moment. Well kind of. I know what I want to do--hang out with teens or college kids. How in the world do I make a living doing that without being a teacher? (can't do that this year pretty much for sure)

So now I'm watching a psych with the sibs....our favorite pasttime for sibling bonding. 

Kyrie's golden birthday (14 on Sept 14th) party was last night. We had 8 girls over representing almost every grade between 6th and highschool senior. It totally juiced my longing to hang out with girls and input into their lives. Maybe I could teach Sunday school. I don't know. 

I'm too involved in pscyh. I can't write and pay attention.

upon returning

i have just returned home after a 2 week road trip and 2 full years at camp. i don't know what i am doing. i don't know what i want to do that i can actually do. i'm willing to do just about anything. i shall make another attempt to keep a blog.


i'm also looking forward to continuing my walk with the Lord. He is everything and all there is. He alone satisfies and guides me. in fact, i'm headed to the Word now.