musings

so much running through my mind today.
once again debating the purpose of life when i'm at home doing non-exciting, unexpected things.
and by unexpected i mean i'm not doing the things that people expect a 25-year-old woman to be doing.
i feel like i'm doing nothing.
and in essence, i am.

what is life without dreams. dreams cease to be dreams when they transform into reality.
dreams of mine that have become reality:
camp. all of it.
crazy travels.
close to God.

dreams anticipated:
marriage.
long-term ministry.
apartment.
kids.
my own place with my own family.
closer to God.

but i'm faced with the truth that God is faithful; He never changes. i find comfort in this today. there is purpose in the walk even when it is slow and i stagger under the weight of unrealized dreams, unwanted sin, faithless thoughts, the voice of discouragement.
there is purpose in the arms that surround me even when i kick to be free of them.
there is no other God.
i'm often a child of Israel, running after my little idols. my classic idols are people--friends. i'm a sucker for relationships. i work hard to maintain friendships. and it's worth it. but it's not everything. people let me down. people cannot always be there. it's okay, it's just life. but God is always there. always here. why worship anything else?

i can't tell if camp is an idol. God is so tightly woven into the fabric of what camp is that i don't think the two can really be separated. i take comfort in knowing that at least 3 months of my life are very purposeful and fruitful.  but i can't base purpose on results. and i can't base results on what i see. i have faith that God's Word never returns void. i think that camp becomes an idol when i let the longing for it cripple me during the winter months.

these are the musings of my heart and mind today.

rejoicing=freakin' out

don't you just love how God gives you exactly what you need from His word every time you need it? (which is every day)
today this is exceptionally clear because i've been feeling like trash
worthless
purposeless
stupid
like a bum
tired
insecure
and the like (due, not partly, to george's monthly visit, i am sure).


so i finally go to the Word (shoulda been there sooner in the day) and resume my study in Psalm 16 with verse 9. i learned yesterday (and revisited today) that rejoicing is a greek word (giyl) which means-
"to spin round (under the influence of any violent emotion)". 
this, to me, means 'freakin' out'. 
and rightfully so! 
i oughta freak out when i consider that my God preserves me and is trustworthy (vs.1). 
and i oughta spin around when i think about God being my portion-everything i need (vs. 5). 
and i oughta  experience violent emotions when i meditate on the fact that my God is always with me and therefore nothing can shake me!(vs. 8)!!!
so my feelings are once again wrong. the truth once again confronts and comforts me. 


conclusion(which i already knew): life ain't about my pity party but about God, who is All in All. it's about God being Himself, Enough, Good, Counselor, Loving, Here, Truth, Preserver, Strength. God.


when i know God, i can more easily snap outta myself.